It's a girl!

I think I've had writer's block for a couple of weeks. I just haven't had anything to say on here, even though we found out that the baby is a girl! Yay! Now it's a she, not an it, which is much more real, yet still I'm having a lot of trouble warming up to the fact that in four short months we will have a little girl in our house. I thought for a long time that this baby was a boy, but I think i only thought that because people have told me that boys are much "easier" Wishful thinking. I have to admit though, I am excited for softball, dance recitals, and doing my little girls hair. For Christmas dresses, dolls, and all girlie things that entail childhood. I am also really excited about decking out the nursery not with "excessive pink" as Wes put it, but with accents of pink. After the first of the year I plan to get thenursery in order and start a registry, both sound very overwhelming to me right now! I think I better get through holiday mode first and then switch into baby mode! Just looking at lists of things that you might want or need for a baby makes my head spin! There are so many things and so little explanation as to what you actually need. My girlfriends have been a huge help, but still it is not going to be the easiest task to decide on all the excessive baby gear that is out there. I also pray that this child gets more of Wes's temperament than mine. As he is much more laid back and mellow than me. I am more high stress and I was known to give my Mother a bit of a hard time. Let's hope that doesn't come back to haunt me! Welcome to parenthood. Lord help me.

Love

I've been thinking about love lately. We've been talking about love in our small group; what it means, how to show it, etc. and how different people define it differently. I've realized in the past couple of weeks that even in the most horrendous of circumstances, love can conquer all. Unfortunately, this month I was given the bad news that my father is dying. I don't write this on here because I seek pity, or encouragement, or any of that. I write it because I need to and because however horrible this situation is I believe it may offer hope in times when we feel there is none. Quite frankly, I fear for writing it here that people will smother me with kind thoughts, which sometimes is hard for me. I'm a tough girl and I think I can handle anything so when people ask me if I'm ok a lot it kind of wigs me out. In any event, getting back to the point, I was called by my Dad's wife and told that his condition has gotten worse and that the doctor's have given him anywhere from 1 to 6 weeks to live. WHAT?! How is this happening? I knew he was sick. He has been an alcoholic all of my life, struggling with treatment, in and out of facilities, quitting drinking, starting again, etc. About a year or so ago his doctor's told him if he did not stop drinking he would surely die, as his kidneys were beginning to shut down from all of the abuse. He did stop drinking, this year, in June, on my birthday actually, however it was too late.

All of this news brought about a cyclone of emotions for me. My father and I have never had the best relationship. We've had an on again off again relationship talking here and there and not talking for long periods of time. He would promise me he'd stop drinking and we would talk a lot, he would start drinking and then call me and yell at me for things that were obviously not my fault. It has been a strained relationship to say the least, however he is still my Dad. He gave me my blue eyes and my caramel colored skin. He is part of the reason why I love the beach so much, why I love mexican food and why I can mix up a mean bowl of guacomole. I think Mexican is the only food he ever cooked. He is a great guy when sober and he is a guy who has an addiction that he could never overcome and now it is killing him. I have forgiven him for these things, but that doesn't stop the hurt. As I type that I can barely contain the tears. I honestly never thought this would happen. I never thought that I would be told that this is how he would die. Call it denial, call it stupidity, call it what you want, I never thought I'd get that call, but I did. And then the guilt came. The guilt came falling down on me and I felt as though I would not be able to go on. The guilt of why Kristen, why didn't you do something sooner, why didnt' you try harder, why didn't you just ignore the fact that he was drunk all the time and go see him anyway? Why? Why? Why? Then came the anger. I got mad and thought, he is so selfish. He's always been selfish! This is one of the most fantastic times of my life, I'm four months pregnant and my life is good and now I have to deal with the fact that he is dying because he couldn't stop being so selfish and stop drinking! And I don't care! I wanted to scream. Then came the sadness. The reality that now I had to make the decision to go see my father and to have the last time I see him be in a hospital room where he is hooked up to all kinds of machines and barely coherent. I did not want to remember him like that. I want to remember him as the tan, brown haired, blue eyed guy that coached my softball team, that laid out in the sun with me, that took me to the fair. The sad reality is that this is it for him. And how horrible it must be to have to die like that. I would never wish a death like that on anyone. I made that decision to go. I think it was the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life, but with support from some very good friends and a wonderful husband I was able to make the decision to go. I'm sure you're wondering where love comes into this blog. This is where love comes in. I made the decision to go on a Thursday night and by the grace of God and the support of two wonderful friends, we left on Saturday morning for Daytona Beach to see my father. The first thing I felt when entering his hospital room was extreme anxiety. I haven't seen my Dad in about ten years and I had no idea what his reaction would be upon seeing me. His reaction was one of love from what I could tell. He had big tears in his eyes and was unable to speak. Then I felt the love. Love for my Dad. He's still my Dad and regardless of all the mistakes he's made in his life, regardless of how old he looked and how gray his hair was his eyes were still that cool blue color and his smile was still the same infectious one. We took lots of pictures with us to show him and talked about old memories and good times. Like when my Mom told my Dad we could play the games at the fair, but not to win anything and then we won a bunny! Or the time we attempted to sneak into a Beach Boys concert at that same fair. Or the fact that the only cassette tape my Dad had in his truck was Gloria Estefan. Ha! Those were some good times. I felt love for him, compassion for his wife, that she was watching him go through this and sadness that he was barely coherent enough to realize I was there. I felt the need to pray, to pray hard, for peace over him. To pray that God has forgiven him and he will lift him up into Heaven when the time is right.
Wes was with me this whole time and Wes solidified what love is this past weekend. Had he not been there I would have been an even bigger mess than I was. As I said at the beginning of this huge rant, love can be found even in deepest sadness and horrible times. The love that I felt for my husband this weekend as he was there to support me through this was unbelievable. I think it may have been a deeper kind of love than I have ever felt before. I have never in my life felt more connected to someone than I do with him. He is part of me. He is my rock, my partner in this crazy world, and my other half. I fell in love with him all over again this weekend as he held me while I sobbed all over him and covered his shirt in mascara, as he carried our bags in the airport, let me sleep on his shoulder on the plane, said we could get Starbucks as many times as I wanted, raced me on moving sidewalks to keep my spirits up. No matter what the circumstances, love is all you need.

Inspiration

The other day when doing my normal walk around the loop at lunch I had an uplifting experience via another couple. They have no idea that they brightened my day, but they sure did. So I decided even though it was chilly like 60 degrees! haha, that I would still walk down onto the beach and near the water. Something about hearing the waves crash and breathing in the salty air that totally makes my day. So there I was walking down there and I see this older couple walking down a beach access. I would say they were in their late 60's. Very tan and carrying only towels, which led me to believe they were locals because if they were tourists they would have either been wearing floral shorts or carrying numerous bags of unneeded crap. Anyway, there they were, laughing, in their own little world, flirting with one another. How awesome, I thought. Look at them. I made up a whole story for them. I have no idea if any of it is true, but their story is. Married since their 20's, two children, four grandchildren, a dog, a house at the beach, retired and loving life with one another. After watching them for a brief second the wife said to the husband, come on we can do it and she took off her shorts and ran for the water where she dove head first into the frigid surf. BRRR! I was cold just watching. He stood on the sand laughing and then quickly followed her lead and in he went. When he was going to get in the water he passed by me and I said, "what a beautiful day!" to him. "Indeed," he said. I thought to myself, what a beautiful day indeed.

I love seeing other couples in love, especially older couples. It give me hope, it makes me smile, it makes me want to be them. 40 years from now and still head over heels in love with my husband, with two kids, two grandkids, retired at the beach, and a dog.

The innocence of children

As most of you know I volunteer in our children's ministry called Grow Zone every weekend at church. I can honestly say that if I miss a Sunday I truly miss being there. The babies that I have in my room each week are just so innocent and love you unconditionally. There is nothing better than having a baby fall alseep in your arms. Anyway, this past Sunday was no different. I volunteered at the 10:30 service where I have been graciously upgraded to a "coach" which basically means that the girls I work with think that I am easy to approach and they've put me in charge of a few volunteers to help our program function better. I was quite honored to be asked to do this. Anyway, I volunteered and fulfilled my duties volunteering at 10:30 and just loved on all those babies. Then Wes met me to go to the 12:30 service. We were sitting behind a couple and their daughter who appeared to be maybe 5 or 6, yet very well behaved. She sat in between her parents with her pink purse, her Shamu stuffed animal and her package of bubble gum. She was quite attentive and quiet. I was impressed. Good parents I thought, their child is quiet in church, quite a feat! So as the service progressed and as I am an expectant mom, I of course was observing the little girl and her interactions with her parents, coming to the realization that some day that will be me, although my kid will probably be running up and down the aisle. Gosh , I hope not. So then we begin the offering and as I'm singing and observing I see the little girl get her purse out and reach inside. She then took out one quarter and placed it in the offering basket. She proceeded to beam as she looked at her Dad for confirmation. "That was nice." I believe he said to her. I about lost it, tears running down my cheeks. For that little girl to give a whole quarter had to be hard, but she did and she did it with such happiness. Aww, if I could only be 5 again where life was so easy and decisions came so quickly. It was such a great testament of good parenting and the instinctual innocence and kindness of children. After leaving church I heard a song by David Crowder and I believe it is entitled "What a Glorious Day" and what a glorious day yesterday was. I spent the rest of the day with Wes, not doing much, but with him nonetheless. That's always my favorite way to spend any day, with my husband.

Reflection

It's funny how just a day or two can change your outlook on life, on what's going on around you. I've spent my last couple of days in a self-induced, pitying stage, worrying about my life; what's going to happen to me when this baby comes, how my life is going to change, if I'm going to be able to deal, if my relationship with my husband is going to be changed, if I'm going to have enough time for me, etc. This morning I'm not thinking about me anymore! My eyes have been opened and I feel blessed. I feel fabulous actually. I'm not nauseous, I actually feel pretty and the sun is shining bright. Life is good. I'm sick of feeling bad for myself.

Now for those of you that diagnosed me with OCD just the other day, you can now go ahead and diagnose me with being slightly bi-polar as well. As obviously I have drastically changed my tune from the other day. If I've learned one thing being pregnant it's not to get used to how you're feeling, because sure enough the next day you will feel completely different, both emotionally and physically.

Anyway, at our small group on Monday night we got to talking about God, his will (or desire as some like to call it) for our life and how there is so much more to look forward to than anything this earthly world can give us. That's huge if you think about it! That we are forgiven. God's grace is amazing. That as long as we choose to have a relationship with God and try to walk with him that we will be given the chance to enter into the kingdom of Heaven. The happiness and joy that will pour out of those golden gates of heaven is more than I can imagine, but I believe often times we all get so caught up in this life and the pressure society puts on us that we fail to acknowledge that there are bigger and brighter things to look forward to.

I am reflecting on all of this because of a caller on the radio this morning on my way to work. There I was driving to work, listening to K-Love and basking in my I'm pregnant and my emotions are out of control stage when my eyes were opened to this fleeting life we're living here on earth and I was reminded of a story my friend told at small group. The lady calling in to K-Love was calling to ask for prayers for her daughter who is in her 30's and has cancer that has spread to the bone. Her daughter has 4 daughters of her own and today was one of the daughters 9th birthday. The Grandmother calling in was on her way to her daughter's house to celebrate the birthday with the family. She talked of how her daughter is fighting hard and is a tremendous example of a woman. It broke my heart to hear this. The first thing I thought was why?! Why, why, why, does this happen to people. But then I remembered the story my friend at small group told, who had an aunt that prayed for God's will and months later she was diagnosed with cancer. She said that she knew this was an answer to her prayer. How crazy does that sound? Sounds insane to me, but then I remembered that both of these ladies will have the opportunity to enter into the kingdom of heaven much sooner than I will and that is a beautiful thing. Although I don't understand everything that happens on this earth I do know that I can find comfort in knowing that there is a bigger place far more rewarding than I could imagine and that if I continue to show God my desire to walk with him I will be accepted there. So today after thinking of those women, I feel empowered. If they can do it, I surely can and I can be a lot less selfish in living this life.

Transition* (*train of thought in this blog may be scattered)

Anyone who says that pregnancy is bliss is lying! If you are not pregnant and planning on getting pregnant, do not let those crazy new mother's who are efficiently multi-tasking while telling you it is fool you. I have never in my life felt more displaced or out of sorts than the last 2 months. I do not feel like myself at all. It's bizarre actually. I mean to the outside world you cannot even tell I'm pregnant yet, if I didn't tell you, you wouldn't know, yet my body and soul are changing everyday, tremendously, and I'm not sure I like it.

Yesterday at church the message was on marriage. Some people might get squirrelly in their seats just thinking of discussing the topic. Maybe because their marriage isn't what they want it to be, or their marriage is falling apart, or their marriage is already over in their eyes. That's not the case for me. When Mike starts talking about marriage I get excited. I think of what I can use out of his message to make my relationship with Wes better. For the most part, we have a very well-rounded, normal marriage. We both do our parts in keeping things sane around our house, so when discussing marriage I am not the least bit uncomfortable. Yesterday, Mike said numerous things that ring true in our relationship, some of those being 1. I worry enough for the two of us, so Wes believes it's more efficient if he not worry at all! 2. I am definitely a responder, I respond to anything and everything that needs to be done, sometimes overly obsessively, and most importantly, 3. That marriage is a compromise and that if you don't both compromise and make efforts to serve God first and then one another that your relationship will probably not be fulfilled to it's potential. I took these things to heart and contemplated them. Yesterday our marriage was heavy on my heart all day until the end of the day when I had what I like to call a "pregnancy breakdown."

After hearing Mike's message and listening him talk about women being responders and men being "fixers" I began to freak out a bit. He said that this can sometimes lead to the problem of women responding to everything and men sitting back and watching. Let me admit, I WORRY OF THIS OFTEN. I worry that when we have a baby that I will be so responsive in making sure that everything is in order every day that I won't be able to relax and enjoy the baby growing up, that I won't be able to give Wes the pleasures of being a first time Dad and possibly not doing everything perfect.

On a different note, I worry about our relationship never being the same again. I had the eye-opening realization yesterday that after May it will never be just Wes and I ever again. We can't just pick up and do what we want when we want because we will have another little human to account for and although that makes my heart so happy in a way it also scares the living crap out of me. What if I can't deal? What if I'm just not a good Mom? Do you see the compulsive worriness that I described earlier coming out. Good thing Wes isn't a worrier or we'd have to be committed!! I mean seriously, parenthood is a huge responsibility and I don't think I fully realized what I was getting myself into when I stopped taking those little pills every night.

As if the emotional rollercoaster and overwhelming desire to cry over everything isn't enough to make you feel crazy, try being barraged with a multitude of physical changes at the same time! I mean I am hungry while I am eating! How is that possible?! I am hungry an hour after I've just eaten dinner, I am hungry when I wake up, I am hungry all the time! This would be fine if food looked appetizing to me at all these times, however most of the time I'd rather gag then indulge in any food, in less of course it's fried and then I'm down with it. All the things I used to love before being pregnant now gross me out. To name a few things, m&ms, broccolli, cottage cheese, egg and cheese sandwiches, turkey, etc. So now what doe a girl like this do to eat something healthy for lunch.? AH so annoying! Not to mention the problem with not being able to exercise as I did before being pregnant. I was used to running at least 3 or 4 times a week, playing softball and volleyball. I never imagined it would be this difficult to get over not being able to do these things. It almost brings me to tears just typing about it. I can now walk for excercise or use the eliptical. Both sound like loads of fun, right? Oh and I also can now only lift 30lbs all together on both arms. I'm used to lifting 60 or 70, so lifting 30 is a real joke. So I'm trying to make the best of it and walk the loop everyday at lunch, as well as do cardio at the gym after work so I don't end up looking like the Pillsbury Dough Woman.

So the whole volleyball thing leads me back to the whole marriage thing where I am paranoid for the change in our relationship when we welcome baby. So last night at volleyball there is a very cute youngish couple there with their two kids, a 5 year old and then a little boy who looked to be around 4 or 5 months. The Mom is taking care of the kids and faithfully supporting the Dad who is on the volleyball court. At first I thought,Aw, how cute. Then the mother (around 8 o'clock) tells the Dad ok we have to go now, it's getting late. And she packs up the kids and leaves the Dad there. Most of you I'm sure are like ok, big deal. For me this was disturbing. Wes and I have been playing volleyball together for 5 years. I do not want to give that up. That is some major character building that we indulge in every week when playing a sport together. I about burst into tears just seeing her leave. Ok, so I can still play volleyball after I deliver a baby, i can be different than that Mom, but at the time it seemed like she was saying to me, "Hey Kristen, welcome to reality, life as you know it is over!" For me this was tramautizing. I like hanging out with Wes, a lot. We like doing things together. I can't fathom having multiple nights a week where he's doing his thing and I'm doing mine. We just don't work that way. We do stuff together, not because we're forced, because we like it. And now I'm facing the, do I go to volleyball and just hang out because I want to hang out with Wes, or do I go do something else because it drives me crazy not to be able to play. Oh and one last thing on that note, I can't indulge in a Blue Moon either. I mean seriously If I'm going to sit on the sidelines all night the least I could do is have a beer.

I'm sure after reading this people may think that I am a couple of things, 1. selfish, 2. OCD, 3. a person suffering excessive worrying, 4. COMPLETELY CRAZY, but I don't care. I feel like that some days. I had to get it all out before I exploded.

To those mothers out there who are reading this and thinking, wow, she's really a selfish person You're probably right. For 22 years all I worried about was me and for 6 years all I've worried about is Wes and me. Now I'm about to throw another person to worry about into this mix, but this time, they're not able to fend for themselves. It's completely up to Wes and I to mold them into a good human being. I am excited about seeing our child in my arms and I'm sure all of this will fade by the time our baby comes, however, right now, this whole pregnancy thing is enough to drive me insane!

Wedding Song

This is our wedding song below. I believe it truly personifies the relationship that I have with my husband in many beautiful ways. I kept thinking about this song all day yesterday and today and how I just love the words in it. I had to post it.

Baby I've been searching like everybody else
Can't say nothing different about myself
Sometimes I'm an angel And sometimes I'm cruel
And when it comes to love I'm just another fool

Yes, I'll climb a mountain
I'm gonna swim the sea
There ain't no act of God girl
Could keep you safe from me
My arms are reaching out
Out across this canyon
I'm asking you to be my true companion True companion True companion

So don't you dare and try to walk away
I've got my heart set on our wedding day
I've got this vision of a girl in white
Made my decision that it's you allright
And when I take your hand I'll watch my heart set sail
I'll take my trembling fingers
And I'll lift up your veil
Then I'll take you home
And with wild abandon
Make love to you just like a true companion
You are my true companion I got a true companion True companion

When the years have done irreparable harm
I can see us walking slowly arm in arm
Just like the couple on the corner do '
Cause girl I will always be in love with you
And when I look in your eyes
I'll still see that spark
Until the shadows fall
Until the room grows dark
Then when I leave this Earth
I'll be with the angels standin'
I'll be out there waiting for my true companion
Just for my true companion True companion True companion

Fall is here!

I may be speaking too soon, but I think Fall might be here! We have been sleeping with the doors open for the last few nights and this morning when I woke up I was actually cold. I looked at the thermostat and it was only 65 degrees in our house! Craziness. I must say after the heat this summer I am totally excited for some fall temperatures. It's weird to think that three years ago today I was standing on the beach getting married and it was about 95 degrees and 100% humidity. Today in Wilmington it's about 70 at most. I am super excited to be celebrating three years with Wes. The years just get better and better. We are going to Yosake tonight to celebrate and I cannot wait for some Firecracker shrimp. I am excited to wear my jeans, heals and a sweater downtown! I am also excited for apple pie, pumpkin spice lattes, hot apple cider, fires, hayrides, carving pumpkins, baking cookies, wearing hoodies and jeans, planning my Thanksgiving bash, and all the other fun things that come with fall. I love being able to leave the windows open and smelling the cool air blow through the house. As much as I am definitely a summer girl at heart the first days of fall sure do make me happy, too!

Baby Bechtel

So I've been on a blogging hiatus, so to speak. Sorry! I'm getting complaints from people! The only thing I've wanted to blog about for a month is being pregnant, however, I was waiting to blog until after we had our first doctor's appointment and my pregnancy was officially confirmed by a doctor to blog about it. The two Clear Blue Easy's were not convincing enough for me. So folks, here it is! And let me tell you the idea of being pregnant has still not officially set in. My body for the most part (minus the blossoming bosom) is still the same. I feel great physically. The only thing holding me back is the nausea that comes and goes as it pleases. At first it was the early morning that was the worst, but now it's quite random throughout the day and most times induced by the smell of randome things, ie: meat, raw or cooked, but especially bacon, lettuce, weird right, most people think lettuce doesn't smell, but if you're pregnant everything smells!, bagels, coffee, taco soup, etc. All of these things have induced gagging in me recently. I also have a problem with being completely starving, cooking a meal and then looking at it and thinking, haha yeah right, there's no way I'm eating that, which is very frustrating!!! Anyway, minus the nausea I feel exactly like my old self. I look at my stomach and think is this really possible, is there something growing in there even though I feel no different? I will say the ultrasound was totally amazing and of course brought a tear to my eye. It was insane to see the tiny heart beating and I am forever thankful that God blessed us with a pregnancy so quickly after we started trying. I did not want to be one of those girls who had been trying for two years and now was forcing her husband to drop his drawers on days of the month that she suspected ovulation. Whew. As Wes and I say, lucky for us we watched a lot of the Olympics and his little swimmies were watching Michael Phelps the whole time!!!! hahahaha! TMI people, sorry.

Anyway, we are blessed and we are super excited to be parents in 9 months. I haven't felt this happy in years. I mean truly happy, truly filled up inside. I told Wes I feel like I did the day we got married everyday now. Just joyous and proud and so honored to be carrying our child. With that said, I won't gag any of you with anymore mushy comments about this.

Labor Day Weekend

In Pennsylvania, growing up, Labor Day was basically the last weekend of summer. Days were getting shorter and temperatures were getting cooler and school was either back in session or about to start back up. For me it was always a sad time because as previously mentioned in numerous other blogs, I love summer! Here it's not so much a symbol of anything besides less tourists, which is always good for us locals. Pretty cool that I'm now a local in this town. Anyway, sometimes I tend to have high expectations for long weekends and tend to want to plan, plan, plan and load our schedule with way too many things to do in three days. This past weekend, however, I didn't let myself do that. Matter of fact, I planned a few things and they fell through and it didnt' bother me at all! We did not do much of anything this weekend besides relax, soak up the sun at the beach, and enjoy each other's company. It was great. I can't remember the last time Wes and I had a three day weekend together and didn't have any obligations or weren't traveling somewhere. This schedule of him working on Saturdays is for the birds, but we'll get through it. So, not much to say besides that I'm thankful for a wonderful husband who I truly enjoy. We are the best of friends and often find that we enjoy hanging out with one another even if we're doing nothing. We can make anything fun as long as we're together. We make a great team and it makes me so happy to go through this life with him. I am so thankful to God for bringing us together and giving me an amazing man to walk with in this crazy world.

2646 Ivanhoe Rd.

Yesterday, I decided that we would have cheeseburgers on the grill for dinner and asked Wes to cut up a cucumber, onion, and tomato and throw some olive oil and vinegar and spices on it for a summer salad to go along with them. We also had sweet potato fries. Yummy! The burgers were so good and my mouth is watering thinking of them. Wes asked me about the salad, he said, "Where did you get the idea for this salad, did you just make it up or what?" It was then that a myriad of memories flooded into my brain, all stemming from that salad. I told him that I hadn't made it up, but that my Grandma and Mom always made it with dinners in the summertime at my Grandparents house. The reason being was that my Grandfather always had a garden and it always yielded large amounts of tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers and sometimes onions in the summer! Sometimes we even had multiple different kinds of peppers. I used to help my Grandpa plant that garden and plant all the marigolds to help keep the bunnies from eating the plants! Then I used to eat the tomatoes once they were ripe. My favorite time to eat them was in the afternoon when they were warm from the sun. See, since my Mom was a single Mom and we lived across town from my Grandparents it was almost routine that we would go stay with my Grandparents at their house on the weekends in the summertime mostly. I absolutely loved this. It was like going on vacation every weekend. I got to pack my clothes and toys into suitcases and go to stay with them where we always had a great time. Weekends at my grandparents included lots of great things. For one you could always count on Grandpa's breakfast. He liked to cook breakfast and had a good friend, named Ted McIntyre, that used to wake him up by telling him, "Larry, get up, the day's half shot!" Even though he would be waking my Grandpa up at 630 am. Ted was a great guy and had one of those Scottish terriers that I really liked. My Grandpa used to get up and start cooking breakfast (the only meal he ever cooked) and I can remember laying in my bed smelling the bacon frying. He would then come into my bedroom and tickle my toes to wake me up. If I didn't get up soon he would yell, "Krissy, come on the day's half shot!" which I found so amusing! We would have breakfast together at the table and on Saturdays head outside to play. I can remember from a very small age my Grandfather carrying me around their big yard and letting me touch everything. We used to find baby blue Robin's eggs in bird's nests in the big evergreen trees and rabbits homes under the bushes. We used to dig in the dirt for night crawlers for my Grandpa to take fishing. My favorite memories in the summer were those of when my cousins were home from Florida and we would all stay at my Grandparents house, lined up in sleeping bags on the living room floor. We would often wake up to my Grandma (who claimed she wasn't hard of hearing) in her chair in the corner with the TV on blaring! At night we would go to sleep while she sat in her chair and sang us songs. Those are some of the best memories I have. We would play all kinds of sports in the yard, as well as capture the flag, ghost in the graveyard, hide and go seek and anything else that involved running and screaming. We would also play in my Grandpa's boat and pretend to drive it. The best, though, was when my cousin Jasmine and I would pretend to host a cooking show, in our sand box. We had bowls and fake cake pans and cooking utensils and we would pretend to bake cakes, all the while putting on a demonstration and talking in our cooking show host voices.(it was like a bad combination of Justin Louis (that Lousiana guy) and Julia Child) We would then force my Uncle Butch to video us while doing so, so that we could later watch the video. After dark, we thought it was the coolest thing ever to hang out in the basement and play video games or what not. We would also use the video camera (which was so huge at the time it was hard to carry) and make music videos while using the hose from the vacuum as a microphone. We performed numerous Wilson Phillips videos and also choreographed a ton of dances to the Hungry Eyes song and every other song from Dirty Dancing. Oh my those were the days! We had so much fun. On Sundays, sometimes, I would go to church with my Grandparents. They went for a long time together, but later in life as my Grandma got ill my Grandpa would go alone. I liked to go with him. I always felt bad when I saw other older people at church alone or out to eat alone. Grandpa would sometimes take me out to breakfast if I went with him or sometimes to lunch. If we went to lunch we always went to McDonalds because it was my favorite and my Grandpa would let me get chicken nuggets and a cheeseburger because I could not make up my mind. In the evenings we would always watch baseball and if there wasn't a Pirates game or Indians game on TV then we would sit out in the breezeway and listen to it on the radio. Lots of times my Grandpa would be watching one game and listening to another. I have no idea how he did it, but he managed to keep stats on both games at the same time. We would have peanuts and root beer floats or even Drumsticks! He instilled my love of the game of baseball and still to this day I think of him everytime I enter a Major League Stadium. I used to love the Atlanta Braves and he would get so worked up when I would root for them over the Indians. Actually I really just loved Chipper Jones and had the biggest crush on him. Sometimes we'd even play checkers. Grandpa never ever let me win. He beat me everytime. I remember once hearing my Mom say, "Dad, just let her win one time." He said, "What will she learn from that?" I'll never forget that. Then I tried even harder to beat him, but never did. We had a grand old time together. I have so many fond memories I could go on forever, but I shall stop here. It's sad that Wes never got to meet either of my Grandparents or my cousin Jasmine, they surely would have loved him. Jasmine would surely have given him a hard time, but that was just her way. My Grandfather especially would have been pleased with Wes's love for the game of baseball and his love for his grandaughter.

Be still

I must say that after being married for almost three years (it will be three years September 24th!, yay!) things can tend to get a tad bit mundane. I mean seriously you can only "surprise" one another with nice things so many times before they in turn also become routine, which bothers me a great deal. Although I am a stickler (word?) for routine, routine also annoys me. I know I'm crazy. I mean don't get me wrong I like to go to walk the dogs in the morning, go to the gym at lunch, run the loop after work, make dinner, talk with Wes and read before bed on a daily basis and I freak out when this routine gets messed up, but the thought of my married life, my relationship with Wes, becoming routine really freaks me out. However, it is virtually impossible for this not to happen after years of being together, so I think any couple must take the proper actions to avoid having a boring relationship and put a lot of effort into keeping the relationship fresh and new!

Wes and I both have been slacking in this area for sure. I often try to blame him for this, however I do need to take the blame for part of it. I get so caught up with making sure that everything in our house is in its place, lunches are made, dinner is on the table and the dogs are walked that if he were to say let's just go do this or that on a week night I'd be like ah, but it's a week night and then my routine will get messed up. AAAAAAAh it's like a vicious cycle. So anyway, on Friday night,even though I had planned to cook dinner and even though the chicken already defrosted and even though we probably shouldn't be spending money on dinner we went down to the beach instead. We walked and walked on down the beach for I dare say a couple of miles. The temperature was perfect. There was barely anyone out there and I was excited when I realized that the days of tourists are winding down and the days of fall are drawing near and we could find solitude on the beach. We got it, barely a soul in sight. It was great. After walking for a while and heading back up the beach to Tower 7 for dinner we stopped and hugged and just stood there on the beach, eyes closed, breathing in the salt air. It's nice to just take a minute out of the routine days in your life and thank God. Mike reminded me of this on Sunday when he said that God says, "Be still and know that I am God." For me being still is nothing short of a miracle! If I am still you can probably bet that I am sleeping on most occasions. But on Friday night I was still and I could feel God's warmth all around me. I turned around to tell Wes how happy I was that we had taken the time to come down to the beach when he quickly said to me "Shhh, I'm praying." My heart melted. You have no idea what it sounds like to hear your husband say that to you after so many years of wondering if he ever, ever would. No idea. The feeling inside my heart was so overwhelming I thought that my chest might burst. I feel as though I've almost gotten all over the top with my talk of God as of late, but it's so hard not to talk about him when he is ever so present in your life. I hope I don't freak anyone out, but really this blog is as much for me to vent and express my feelings then anything, and I'm not obligating anyone to read these ramblings, so I can say whatever I want, right? Right. Anyway, we had a great night out for dinner and my marriage has been renewed!

The ocean is my strength.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in thepaths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of theshadow of death; I will fear no evil: for thouart with me; thy rod and thy staff theycomfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in thepresence of mine enemies: thou anointestmy head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me allthe days of my life; and I will dwell in thehouse of the Lord for ever.
psalm 23 - bible - psalm of david


I thought of that verse today as I was walking and being snotty and wanting things that I don't need or even really want just wanting and wanting to be somewhere else, anywhere else today besides work, besides in my life. I don't even know why, I'm happy, I am, I was just agitated and being self-pitying and crabby. So on the days I feel like this I walk...
and I think, I just I don't want to be here, Idon't want to do this, why do I have to work, why is this week so annoying? And to top it all off, my face is still fat. So I walked and I walked all the way right down to the beach and then I stood and I stared out at the ocean, waves crashing, storm looming, salt water rushing up under my toes and I breathed in a deep, deep breath. And I was fine. I am fine! The ocean is my friend! It is vast and beautiful and freeing. I walk the loop at lunch and everytime I walk down to the beach and put my feet in the sand , I am reminded that I live here! At the beach, I do! Sometimes it's like a dream, but then once I'm down there it's so real and so cool that I do live here in North Carolina, at the beach, where I've always wanted to live. Pretty cool. And today I shall not want anymore.

You find out who your friends are...

Over this year we've had some pretty amazing things happen to us and we've had to endure some pretty tough things as well! For example, Wes's back surgery and his grandmother's passing, along with my not so happy weekend of recovering from my wisdom teeth surgery. Wes has already blogged about this, however I thought of it first so I'm going to as well! You really do find out who your friends are when bad things happen and it makes me smile to see all the wonderful people we now call friends in this town support us in times of pain. When Wes had his back surgery in January, we had an outpouring of friends show up at our house with cookies, dvds, movies, soup, flowers, you name it. Everyone brought something. Everyone called, texted and wanted to know as soon as he was out of surgery how he was. They cared. Genuinely. I get choked up just thinking about it. When Wes's grandmother died and we had to make an unexpected trip to Pennsylvania for a week we got outpouring of cards and flowers. We had the most flowers at the funeral home! Now I'm not trying to set a record or anything, but the entire family was going on and on about how we must just have wonderful friends in this town and they're right, we do! Now this passed weekend, when recovering from my wisdom teeth, I noticed again the care and concern that each of my friends expressed individually to me to make sure I was ok. I am ok, chipmunk face still intact, I'll get over it. And thank you to everyone who called, sent me flowers, brought me baskets of soft treats, texted me, and sent their love via the web. Thank you so much. Last night at our small group for PC3 we split into guys and girls as we do sometimes, which I always love because it gives us girls more time to chat! I was so excited to share in both the joys and concerns that each of my friends expressed. Oh what joys we had last night! I am so happy to be there for these girls in their lives and I am happy to have them in my life to share my joys and concerns with. My friend Gina is having quite a hard time with bedtime rituals as of late and it breaks my heart to see her have to sit and listen to her boys cry while trying to figure out the right way to put them to sleep. I feel better, though, knowing that my prayers may be helping her through this tough time in her life and I am happy to call her my friend and show her my support. I told her last night, Girl, I give you credit, I couldn't do it! I need some practice before my kids are 2! Whew! But she is a beautiful person and she is doing great, as is her husband. I am so thankful, as I said for them, and for being able to pray for them as a family and for all my friends in this town who I can care for and show concern for, just as they have for me.

The Coast of Carolina...

As yet another year has passes me by, I just had my 28th birthday in June, I find myself reflecting quite a bit; thinking about where I've come from, where I've been, where I want to be in a few short years and what the future holds. As I sit here on my living room couch, with the cool breeze (yes you heard me right, I said cool breeze and it's August in North Carolina, can I get an alleluia!?) blowing upon my face, through the open windows, I must say looking back and looking ahead I can do nothing but smile. I never imagined I would be this happy at the young age of 28. Summer of course always makes me happy. I don't know if I have always loved summer because my birthday was in the summer or if I loved it simply because it is such a warm, care-free season, full of vacations and fun with friends and family every year. As a young child summer was always something to look forward to, first of all because school was out, but more so because it meant summer softball league, going to the Rec pool with friends, going to Buhl Club dances, playing hide and go seek in the yard, catching fireflies and putting them in a jar to light up your room, only to realize that you did not shut the jar tightly enough and now they are crawling on your mother's curtains and she is freaking and the most exciting reason, going to our camp in the Allegheny Mountains with my whole family. That is one thing I always looked forward to and looking back something I will always miss now that my family is dispersed all over this country and everyone's responsibilities have taken over, and we no longer get together there anymore. It's sad to me that that tradition has been lost, but in retrospect, the memories I made there long ago as a child will forever be in my heart and looking back at them I cannot help but smile.



Ah yes, summer. Summer means an array of things now as an adult, although it still means summer softball (yes I still play!). It also means summer volleyball for Wes and I, beaching and boating with friends, inviting visitors to come enjoy our town, cook-outs, camping trips, canoeing trips, traveling to as many baseball games as we can, walking the loop, walks on the beach and just enjoying the warm weather and sticky evenings in this Coastal Carolina town. I often find myself thanking God repeatedly when walking at the beach. I look out over the vast waters and think to myself how absolutely amazing that this body of water exists and I thank God for sharing it with me and for the sunshine on my face and for the breath in my lungs. Ah, yes Summer, it makes me so very happy. Just a breath of salt air and all my worries flutter away. Wilmington is now home to us, after 5 years of amazing memories and significant changes in our lives, we now call this town home and I couldn't think of another city I would want to spend my summers in.

Extinguished Existence

I came to a very sad realization the other day as I was updating my address book and that is that Wes's grandmother is really gone. You see what happend was Wes's cousin sent me an email with her new address and said they had moved. I opened up my nifty little Family Address spreadsheet and inserted her new address in the block with her name. When doing this I realized that Wes's Grandmother's address was just above hers. So I erased it. Then I thought, wow, just like that and she's gone. So weird. She is really gone. She no longer "exists" so to speak, well at least in an earthly world. She now exists among the angels and I believe is now probably playing scrabble with some friends among the clouds or baking some cookies for the others in heaven or maybe even playing cards with my grandparents because now that Wes and I are married they are friends. Oh yes I like that thought, my heart is smiling thinking of it.

You see it's hard to realize that she's really gone because we never saw her here. With the exception of our wedding, we only saw her in Pennsylvania,usually at her house, cooking, giggling, watching her grandkids and making sure that all of her family was together and happy and full. Man that woman loved to cook. She was a wonderful, wonderful, woman with a heart of gold and she surely is missed. I wish that we would have had more time with her, I wish that she could have seen our children, her great grandchildren, but I am happy to know that she did at least get to see one great grand child in her life time. I wish that life wasn't so fleeting here on earth. In a blink of an eye people that you love can be gone. Sometimes very unexpectedly. I am so happy that I wrote her all the notes that I did and that she sent me many recipes and updates on her weather and that she made good use of the slippers that we bought her for Christmas after shoveling her own walk. She loved those slippers. Such a simple thing and she was so grateful.

It makes me think of so many memories of my grandparents and how much I miss them and how I now cherish the time I had with them so much more. Oh how I wish that I would have sacrificed more nights out with my friends to just sit at my Grandparents house and watch baseball with my Grandpa or play cards with my Grandma with the big faced,numbered cards because she could hardly see them. I wish that I could go back to a time where life was innocent and care free and I had not a worry in the world and I was woken up by my Grandpa tickling my toes and the smell of bacon on a Sunday morning. I remember all the holidays at my grandparents house, Thanksgiving, Easter, Christmas, cooking feasts in the kitchen with my grandma, aunts, and mom, side by side, squabbling over who was making what and what time we should eat and who would even show up. I miss hearing my Grandfather laughing in the next room over all the women in the kitchen and how loud we were. I used to take my grandpa all the Christmas cookies that my grandma called "criminals" which meant they were just the least bit too brown, or the icing wasn't just right and my grandpa would get to eat those ones right then instead of waiting for the holiday to come! Oh those were the days. I remember hiding the Christmas cookies in the breeze way (the screened porch attached to their house) so that my uncles wouldn't find them and eat them all. In Pennsylvania in the winter time you can leave cookies just out in the breezeway because it stays so cold out there that the cookies stay frozen! After my grandparents passed away all of these traditions started to dwindle away as well and it makes me so sad to think of that loss of a central meeting place for our family. These are just a few things I remember about my Grandparents, I could go on for ages. But with those memories in tow, when meeting Wes's grandma, I knew that the traditions that she had in place had to be respected and that we must go to her house just like Wes did as a kid every Christmas. I am so happy looking back now that I was not one of those wives who drags their husband away from his family on holidays. I am so happy that last Christmas we were there, with all 20 some of us crammed into her small dining area, aunts and uncles smooshed at the kids table and me straddling a table leg at the end of the table and Wes's elbow poking his sister in the arm. It may not have been comfortable and the conversations may have been awkward, but looking back it is such a warm, warm memory that I will cherish for a lifetime. I hope that someday when my children have children and I am a grandparent that they love me as much as I loved Wes's grandmother and my grandparents. Then I will not care when my existence is extinguished for I will have shown them what love is.

What are we waiting for?

Cultivate Change. That's the title of our most recent series at Port City Church and I must say Mike's words have caused me to dig deep within my soul and contemplate how I might change this world, if even just a little bit. I have been thinking about my "soil" so to speak and if it is good soil because we have also talked about this in recent weeks. I might be a bit biased, but I think my soil is good. It might not be great soil, it might not be like the package of Miracle Grow potting soil that turns your basil plant into a basil bush that takes over your whole front yard, but it is definitely good soil. Soil that can grow many things with a little attention and the desire to grow something magnificent.

The weekend before last, the Port City service was centered around the song Waiting on the World to Change, by the ever so popular, I've dated every pop icon, model, and singer there is in the last 6 months, John Mayer. I must say I was a bit skeptical when learning of this. You see, now that Wes is super cool and a part of the production team at Port City, he gets the list of songs for the service before anyone else, which basically makes him a super star. Now I told Wes just because he knows the songs beforehand doesn't mean I want to, but alas he was listening to the songs in the living room and I happened to over hear Waiting on the World to Change, which of course caught my attention. My first reaction was, that's not a Christian song!! I thought about it and wondered how Mike was going to use this song to convey his message and then to be honest, I forgot about it. Then come Sunday I was astonished at just how well the song fit with the service and just how great Chad sounded up there rocking it out.

So that leads me to the title of this blog, what are we waiting for? What am I waiting for? Since I've moved to Wilmington and starting going to church again on a regular basis I must say that a fire is burning from within. I feel God prodding me and pushing me to do something, what that is I do not know, but I do know it's more than just going to church, more than just volunteering for Grow Zone, but something bigger. For a type A personality, perfectionist kind of girl like myself, it is extremely difficult to not know exactly what it is God wants me to do. After listening to Mike talk about how everyone in this generation is just waiting for the world to change (just like the song says) and waiting for someone else to pave the way for them, waiting for life to get a little easier, or for things to fall into place, so then their life will be complete, I realized that that is not what life is all about. Even if every single piece fell into place, our puzzles will be far from complete if we are not still yearning for a relationship with Jesus Christ. I wanted to stand up and yell, stop waiting, do something! I did not, however, for fear that Wes would run from me in embarassment and never attend another Port City service with me ever again. But I did pray and reflect on this message and I've been praying about it ever since. I've been praying, that God, doesn't let me wait around and let my life pass me by without thanking Him everyday for everything I have and without working hard to make a change in this world. I pray for the faith and trust to let go of the wheel, and let Him drive me to what it is He has waiting for me because in the end that's all that matters.

Dog Days of Summer...

My dogs rule! Let me just first say that. We have come a long way with them, from not being able to leave the front door to our house open for fear they would run off and never come back, to being able to leave the front door wide open the entire time we unload groceries without them running out. From being afraid that Brollie would plow a two year old straight over, to him only wanting to obsessively sniff them. From being drug around the block with the dogs full speed ahead of me, to them walking properly right next to me. From barking incessantly at every frog that jumped, to simple whining due to the over stimuli of two new puppies on each side of our house. This is pretty cool!!! We have progress folks. The key to raising anything well, I do believe, whether it be a hamster, a duck, a dog, or a child, is consistency. I could write a book on this aspect of raising any living being. I swear, consistency, it works. Anyway, back to my dogs... Since Wes's schedule changed I have been getting up with him in the morning and then walking our dogs at the early morning hour of 6:30 am. At first this happened simply because Brollie was so hyper and bouncing off the walls I thought that I had two choices, 1. knock him out, or 2. walk him a long way and get rid of some of this energy before I left him unattended while working all day and thus our journey began. I decided that since it's normally a blazing 90 some degrees when I get home from work that walking in the morning is a much better idea. So we began the routine of walking every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday at 630 am. This has been going on for months. It never ceases to amaze me that every morning my dogs are so excited when they see me pick up a pair of socks or shoes or move the leashes because socks, leashes or sneakers obviously = walk. No matter what that is the equation and that is final. I think to myself every morning, come on, seriously, you're still excited for this? It's the same thing every day! It's inevitable, yet you still get so hyped up! Then I thought to myself, wow, pretty cool. I should strive to be more dog like, to appreciate the everyday things in my life that I often take for granted and to be grateful for life. To slow down as Mike always says at church and enjoy what I have. This morning and often times in the morning or when I'm outside anywhere, I find myself thanking God for life, for my dogs, for the ability to breath the fresh air and feel the sunshine on my face and for my legs to carry me on a 45 minute walk every morning. My dogs are truly grateful to me for this walk and I am grateful to them for showing me that simplicity and routine sometimes is bliss. It also never fails that when I come home, no matter how early or how late, they are ecstatic to see me, they greet me with wagging tails and happy energy every single day, even though I've come home the same way the day before. Pretty cool. Although they're just dogs (as some people like to put it), they are my dogs, they are a part of me. They make me happy beyond belief. I love them so much that I often have a difficult time leaving in the morning because they sit by the door and look at me like don't go! We have attended many a dog class back in the day when I thought I wanted to just scream because they were so frustrating, but today I can truly look ahead to parenthood and think that I might be able to raise some pretty well rounded children if I could raise two super smart dogs. Although Brollie still randomly rips my mini blinds down and Eva still sometimes decides it would be a good idea to bathe herself in saliva on my freshly laundered down comforter, they are still the best dogs ever! I love them for motivating me to walk them every morning and to enjoy the simple things in life that are free and full of love, such as a simple summer morning walk.

I love Wilmington

So moving to Wilmington, North Carolina has proven to be one of the best decisions Wes and I ever made. For those of you that don't know the story of our move to the ILM here's long story short. Wes just graduated from IUP in Indiana, PA and I just graduated from Gannon in Erie, PA. Our roomates from college were dating. I was still living with my roomate from college. They fixed us up. We hit it off. I talked Wes into moving to Erie, PA where I lived, after several grueling months of him driving 4 hours in the blizzardly conditions of Erie, PA to visit me. Wes moves to Erie, yah! Mission accomplished. Then, just kidding because I don't want to live in Erie anymore. It's just too cold there. I want to live at the beach. What do you know, Wes wants to live at the beach. We decide to move. Where should we move? How bout the Outer Banks, nah, too boring there in the winter Wes says. I tell Wes to pick a place. He picks Wilmington, I ask if he's been there. Nope, never been. Ok great idea, let's move 14 hours away from our families, with virtually no money, a moving truck, and a new relationship that we started about 9 months prior. Awesome! So we move to Wilmington, after picking it off a map and after losing 100$ to a ghetto apartment complex that we decided not to live in after a little bit of research. That was approximately 4 years ago and so far things are working out! Lately, I really find myself relishing in the fact that we live in such a beautiful state with so much to offer. We can be at the beach in 5 minutes or in the mountains in 5 hours and that's pretty cool. I think loving life more can definitely be attributed to my growing relationship with God. Since we started attending Port City Church my life has become so much more exciting and I am grateful for the things God is doing in my life. Watching Wes develop a stronger relationship with God is even cooler than I could have imagined. We have made some amazing friends through the church and I couldn't be happier. On another note, I am striving to slow myself down and stop making so many impossible to-do lists on a daily basis. I am a bit of a perfectionist at heart which sometimes does not allow me to relax. I'm working on that.

Create good soil

So after looking at one bazillion facebook pages and trying to figure it out, I realized that a lot of people have blogs. I want a blog! So here it is. I must also add that I was inspired by my kind-hearted, free-spirited, ever so lovely friend, Holly, who also has a blog on here. So here goes. This is my blog and I'm sticking to it.

I want to be cool like that...

So Wes and I are officially on the baby train. Well, I guess not officially. I guess officially on the baby train would mean that I'm pregnant and I'm not. So let me just put it this way, we're officially on the baby train, but I'm not carrying anything with me. We're just obsessed with babies. Babies are everywhere we go, they're all we think about, all we talk about. It's kind of insane to think that I've spent the majority of my adult life trying to prevent a pregnancy from happening because it wasn't the right time and now I'm obsessing over making it happen. Crazy I tell you. I guess I should consider myself lucky that Wes actually wants a baby and wants one now. I hear stories all the time about women who are just waiting around for the husband to cave in and say, "alright we can have one now," but Wes was actually ready before me! Pretty cool. He'll be a great dad. I mean wait, no, he'll be the best Dad ever. We'll be the coolest parents ever, well at least in our minds, our kids may tell you otherwise someday when they hit that scary part of their life called adolescence.