For Airlie Mae

So this week ends a chapter in my family’s life and so a new chapter begins.  That Chapter is titled Kindergarten for your first born. (GASP) Airlie is going to kindergarten next week. I really can’t believe that she is five years old. With the beginning of this new chapter of her life I find myself often reminiscing about all five years of this sweet first born’s life.  I remember (vaguely) life before her. I remember praying for a healthy baby and that I would get pregnant quickly.  I remember the day I realized I was pregnant like it was yesterday. Wes had gone to work on a Saturday, which was not usual. I had this weird feeling after not so many weeks of trying to get pregnant that I was actually pregnant. I figured it was just in my head so off I went to Wal-mart to buy a pregnancy test. I came back home and took the test all the while thinking it would be negative.  Much to my surprise the test was positive!!  I was elated, however I then realized I would have the choice of telling Wes on the phone that I was pregnant or waiting until he got home from work (which wasn’t gonna happen). Just as I was trying to decide what to do the front door opened and he walked back in. “I wasn’t on the schedule today,” he said.  I started screaming running towards him, waiving around that pregnancy test like a crazy person. He was completely clueless. He could not understand a word I was saying and when I finally settled down enough that he could get the drift of what was going on, his first comment was, “Wait, so is there still pee on that stick?” And so the journey of being pregnant with Airlie began.  I had a very easy pregnancy. I was barely even nauseous at the beginning and soon felt completely back to normal minus the ever growing belly.  I walked the dogs a lot and stayed very healthy throughout.  It was an enjoyable time and was so cool to feel the baby move.  I remember the first time I felt Airlie move, it was such an amazing feeling!  Wes nicknamed the baby “feets” short for fetus for the first weeks before we knew if she was a boy or girl.  She gave us some trouble at the first appointments and after about three more we finally found out she was a girl.  I remember all the nights lying in bed trying to decide what to name Airlie. I proposed about one million names to which Wes vetoed every single one. “I know someone with that name that is obnoxious,  he would say or, “What, where did you even come up with that name? or “Are you serious?! What origin is that?”  These were just some of his comments to me when I would throw out a name to decide on.  One night we were talking of the beach and how we loved it in Wilmington, how happy we were to be living near the ocean etc. We had always loved Airlie Road because it takes you right down to the Intracoastal Waterway. So I said, how about Airlie?! He was sold. From that day forward Wes referred to our baby girl as Airlie.

All of these memories are flooding my mind with the thought of my first child going to kindergarten. These are many happy memories. I also find myself ridden with a bit of guilt over how anal and ridiculously over reactive I was at the beginning of my motherhood with Airlie. I was obsessed with getting her on a sleep schedule, obsessed with having all things organized and for the most part for the first four months just a really hot mess.  I remember thinking one day I was not cut out for motherhood. I was talking to a friend on the phone while walking our dogs and I told her, “I’m just gonna keep on walking, and not go back to the house.”   I look back now and I wish I could have just relaxed, soaked it all in, relished the moments of craziness more.  I wish I would have listened more to all the annoying other moms who kept saying it goes by so fast, enjoy it now because they were right. Now I’m telling all my friends with small babes the same! Enjoy it, don’t freak out, if it’s a really bad day the next is bound to be better! 

Being a mom is a big job, a tough job, a messy job, an exhausting job.  Some days still I honestly think; I’m really no good at this.  Actually, I think I’m terrible at this! But most days I look at Airlie and Stella and I think I cannot believe they are mine. They are my flesh and blood combined with their father. What beautiful miracles.  I cannot believe God has blessed me with the privilege of raising these beautiful, kind, innocent souls.

Airlie truly has a heart of gold; she is grateful and appreciative for everything in life at such a young age.  Just the other day she pointed out to me a fluorescent flag (tagged on a gas line I assume) on a wooden post.  “Mommy, she said, look at how pretty that flag is in the ground. I like the color of it.” Wow I thought, if only I could look at this world more often through eyes like that.  She loves giving to people.  She is always wrapping up gifts in our house to give to me, Wes, Stella or my mom.  She makes pictures for us always.  She loves to sing and dance and twirl around the living room in her dress up clothes.  She is kind hearted and loves to care for other people. She sticks up for the dogs when I’m yelling at them to get out of the kitchen at dinner. She sticks up for Stella even after she gets her in trouble!! She loves to cook and play restaurant.  I remember as a small girl loving to do the same. And I remember waiting on my grandfather and serving him homemade cookies I had prepared (aka sugar and peanut butter balls)

When I look at Airlie I see hope for this world. Hope that this child will bring joy to so many other people as she goes to school and encounters the world just as she brings joy to us.  She is patient, (unless her sister is trying to steal her toys) and she is cautious. She thinks about everything and reflects on it.  Just the other day in the car I told the girls, “Look how beautiful the suns rays are shining down, you can almost see heaven through there.” To which Airlie said, “Do you think the sun looks like that in heaven Mommy?”   I said something like, I would think so, it’s beautiful and everything is beautiful in heaven.  She then began talking about Jesus and how she was excited to meet him there. She asked me if I thought He was old or young. I said probably older as He takes care of a lot of people. She said she thought so too, that He was probably old. But that she didn’t care if He was young or old that either way when she saw him she wanted to give Him a big hug. 

Dear Airlie, I bet Jesus would love a hug from you!  I can’t believe you’re five and you’re going to school. I’m not ready to release you to the real world. The world of other children, other teachers, and other influences not your Mom, Dad, or Grandma.  I’m not ready for stories that don’t include us in the story line. But I know you’re ready sweet girl. You are ready to have time of your own, to learn, to grow, to NOT share with your little sister, to hopefully become a best friend to someone in your class, or help your teacher with classroom chores. You are really ready, as you have told me many times this summer. I know you’ll love school.  If you turn around on the first day and I’m already out of sight it’s not because I don’t love you it’s because I’m running for the car quietly sobbing to myself.  I love you.