Transition* (*train of thought in this blog may be scattered)

Anyone who says that pregnancy is bliss is lying! If you are not pregnant and planning on getting pregnant, do not let those crazy new mother's who are efficiently multi-tasking while telling you it is fool you. I have never in my life felt more displaced or out of sorts than the last 2 months. I do not feel like myself at all. It's bizarre actually. I mean to the outside world you cannot even tell I'm pregnant yet, if I didn't tell you, you wouldn't know, yet my body and soul are changing everyday, tremendously, and I'm not sure I like it.

Yesterday at church the message was on marriage. Some people might get squirrelly in their seats just thinking of discussing the topic. Maybe because their marriage isn't what they want it to be, or their marriage is falling apart, or their marriage is already over in their eyes. That's not the case for me. When Mike starts talking about marriage I get excited. I think of what I can use out of his message to make my relationship with Wes better. For the most part, we have a very well-rounded, normal marriage. We both do our parts in keeping things sane around our house, so when discussing marriage I am not the least bit uncomfortable. Yesterday, Mike said numerous things that ring true in our relationship, some of those being 1. I worry enough for the two of us, so Wes believes it's more efficient if he not worry at all! 2. I am definitely a responder, I respond to anything and everything that needs to be done, sometimes overly obsessively, and most importantly, 3. That marriage is a compromise and that if you don't both compromise and make efforts to serve God first and then one another that your relationship will probably not be fulfilled to it's potential. I took these things to heart and contemplated them. Yesterday our marriage was heavy on my heart all day until the end of the day when I had what I like to call a "pregnancy breakdown."

After hearing Mike's message and listening him talk about women being responders and men being "fixers" I began to freak out a bit. He said that this can sometimes lead to the problem of women responding to everything and men sitting back and watching. Let me admit, I WORRY OF THIS OFTEN. I worry that when we have a baby that I will be so responsive in making sure that everything is in order every day that I won't be able to relax and enjoy the baby growing up, that I won't be able to give Wes the pleasures of being a first time Dad and possibly not doing everything perfect.

On a different note, I worry about our relationship never being the same again. I had the eye-opening realization yesterday that after May it will never be just Wes and I ever again. We can't just pick up and do what we want when we want because we will have another little human to account for and although that makes my heart so happy in a way it also scares the living crap out of me. What if I can't deal? What if I'm just not a good Mom? Do you see the compulsive worriness that I described earlier coming out. Good thing Wes isn't a worrier or we'd have to be committed!! I mean seriously, parenthood is a huge responsibility and I don't think I fully realized what I was getting myself into when I stopped taking those little pills every night.

As if the emotional rollercoaster and overwhelming desire to cry over everything isn't enough to make you feel crazy, try being barraged with a multitude of physical changes at the same time! I mean I am hungry while I am eating! How is that possible?! I am hungry an hour after I've just eaten dinner, I am hungry when I wake up, I am hungry all the time! This would be fine if food looked appetizing to me at all these times, however most of the time I'd rather gag then indulge in any food, in less of course it's fried and then I'm down with it. All the things I used to love before being pregnant now gross me out. To name a few things, m&ms, broccolli, cottage cheese, egg and cheese sandwiches, turkey, etc. So now what doe a girl like this do to eat something healthy for lunch.? AH so annoying! Not to mention the problem with not being able to exercise as I did before being pregnant. I was used to running at least 3 or 4 times a week, playing softball and volleyball. I never imagined it would be this difficult to get over not being able to do these things. It almost brings me to tears just typing about it. I can now walk for excercise or use the eliptical. Both sound like loads of fun, right? Oh and I also can now only lift 30lbs all together on both arms. I'm used to lifting 60 or 70, so lifting 30 is a real joke. So I'm trying to make the best of it and walk the loop everyday at lunch, as well as do cardio at the gym after work so I don't end up looking like the Pillsbury Dough Woman.

So the whole volleyball thing leads me back to the whole marriage thing where I am paranoid for the change in our relationship when we welcome baby. So last night at volleyball there is a very cute youngish couple there with their two kids, a 5 year old and then a little boy who looked to be around 4 or 5 months. The Mom is taking care of the kids and faithfully supporting the Dad who is on the volleyball court. At first I thought,Aw, how cute. Then the mother (around 8 o'clock) tells the Dad ok we have to go now, it's getting late. And she packs up the kids and leaves the Dad there. Most of you I'm sure are like ok, big deal. For me this was disturbing. Wes and I have been playing volleyball together for 5 years. I do not want to give that up. That is some major character building that we indulge in every week when playing a sport together. I about burst into tears just seeing her leave. Ok, so I can still play volleyball after I deliver a baby, i can be different than that Mom, but at the time it seemed like she was saying to me, "Hey Kristen, welcome to reality, life as you know it is over!" For me this was tramautizing. I like hanging out with Wes, a lot. We like doing things together. I can't fathom having multiple nights a week where he's doing his thing and I'm doing mine. We just don't work that way. We do stuff together, not because we're forced, because we like it. And now I'm facing the, do I go to volleyball and just hang out because I want to hang out with Wes, or do I go do something else because it drives me crazy not to be able to play. Oh and one last thing on that note, I can't indulge in a Blue Moon either. I mean seriously If I'm going to sit on the sidelines all night the least I could do is have a beer.

I'm sure after reading this people may think that I am a couple of things, 1. selfish, 2. OCD, 3. a person suffering excessive worrying, 4. COMPLETELY CRAZY, but I don't care. I feel like that some days. I had to get it all out before I exploded.

To those mothers out there who are reading this and thinking, wow, she's really a selfish person You're probably right. For 22 years all I worried about was me and for 6 years all I've worried about is Wes and me. Now I'm about to throw another person to worry about into this mix, but this time, they're not able to fend for themselves. It's completely up to Wes and I to mold them into a good human being. I am excited about seeing our child in my arms and I'm sure all of this will fade by the time our baby comes, however, right now, this whole pregnancy thing is enough to drive me insane!