It's a girl!

I think I've had writer's block for a couple of weeks. I just haven't had anything to say on here, even though we found out that the baby is a girl! Yay! Now it's a she, not an it, which is much more real, yet still I'm having a lot of trouble warming up to the fact that in four short months we will have a little girl in our house. I thought for a long time that this baby was a boy, but I think i only thought that because people have told me that boys are much "easier" Wishful thinking. I have to admit though, I am excited for softball, dance recitals, and doing my little girls hair. For Christmas dresses, dolls, and all girlie things that entail childhood. I am also really excited about decking out the nursery not with "excessive pink" as Wes put it, but with accents of pink. After the first of the year I plan to get thenursery in order and start a registry, both sound very overwhelming to me right now! I think I better get through holiday mode first and then switch into baby mode! Just looking at lists of things that you might want or need for a baby makes my head spin! There are so many things and so little explanation as to what you actually need. My girlfriends have been a huge help, but still it is not going to be the easiest task to decide on all the excessive baby gear that is out there. I also pray that this child gets more of Wes's temperament than mine. As he is much more laid back and mellow than me. I am more high stress and I was known to give my Mother a bit of a hard time. Let's hope that doesn't come back to haunt me! Welcome to parenthood. Lord help me.

Love

I've been thinking about love lately. We've been talking about love in our small group; what it means, how to show it, etc. and how different people define it differently. I've realized in the past couple of weeks that even in the most horrendous of circumstances, love can conquer all. Unfortunately, this month I was given the bad news that my father is dying. I don't write this on here because I seek pity, or encouragement, or any of that. I write it because I need to and because however horrible this situation is I believe it may offer hope in times when we feel there is none. Quite frankly, I fear for writing it here that people will smother me with kind thoughts, which sometimes is hard for me. I'm a tough girl and I think I can handle anything so when people ask me if I'm ok a lot it kind of wigs me out. In any event, getting back to the point, I was called by my Dad's wife and told that his condition has gotten worse and that the doctor's have given him anywhere from 1 to 6 weeks to live. WHAT?! How is this happening? I knew he was sick. He has been an alcoholic all of my life, struggling with treatment, in and out of facilities, quitting drinking, starting again, etc. About a year or so ago his doctor's told him if he did not stop drinking he would surely die, as his kidneys were beginning to shut down from all of the abuse. He did stop drinking, this year, in June, on my birthday actually, however it was too late.

All of this news brought about a cyclone of emotions for me. My father and I have never had the best relationship. We've had an on again off again relationship talking here and there and not talking for long periods of time. He would promise me he'd stop drinking and we would talk a lot, he would start drinking and then call me and yell at me for things that were obviously not my fault. It has been a strained relationship to say the least, however he is still my Dad. He gave me my blue eyes and my caramel colored skin. He is part of the reason why I love the beach so much, why I love mexican food and why I can mix up a mean bowl of guacomole. I think Mexican is the only food he ever cooked. He is a great guy when sober and he is a guy who has an addiction that he could never overcome and now it is killing him. I have forgiven him for these things, but that doesn't stop the hurt. As I type that I can barely contain the tears. I honestly never thought this would happen. I never thought that I would be told that this is how he would die. Call it denial, call it stupidity, call it what you want, I never thought I'd get that call, but I did. And then the guilt came. The guilt came falling down on me and I felt as though I would not be able to go on. The guilt of why Kristen, why didn't you do something sooner, why didnt' you try harder, why didn't you just ignore the fact that he was drunk all the time and go see him anyway? Why? Why? Why? Then came the anger. I got mad and thought, he is so selfish. He's always been selfish! This is one of the most fantastic times of my life, I'm four months pregnant and my life is good and now I have to deal with the fact that he is dying because he couldn't stop being so selfish and stop drinking! And I don't care! I wanted to scream. Then came the sadness. The reality that now I had to make the decision to go see my father and to have the last time I see him be in a hospital room where he is hooked up to all kinds of machines and barely coherent. I did not want to remember him like that. I want to remember him as the tan, brown haired, blue eyed guy that coached my softball team, that laid out in the sun with me, that took me to the fair. The sad reality is that this is it for him. And how horrible it must be to have to die like that. I would never wish a death like that on anyone. I made that decision to go. I think it was the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life, but with support from some very good friends and a wonderful husband I was able to make the decision to go. I'm sure you're wondering where love comes into this blog. This is where love comes in. I made the decision to go on a Thursday night and by the grace of God and the support of two wonderful friends, we left on Saturday morning for Daytona Beach to see my father. The first thing I felt when entering his hospital room was extreme anxiety. I haven't seen my Dad in about ten years and I had no idea what his reaction would be upon seeing me. His reaction was one of love from what I could tell. He had big tears in his eyes and was unable to speak. Then I felt the love. Love for my Dad. He's still my Dad and regardless of all the mistakes he's made in his life, regardless of how old he looked and how gray his hair was his eyes were still that cool blue color and his smile was still the same infectious one. We took lots of pictures with us to show him and talked about old memories and good times. Like when my Mom told my Dad we could play the games at the fair, but not to win anything and then we won a bunny! Or the time we attempted to sneak into a Beach Boys concert at that same fair. Or the fact that the only cassette tape my Dad had in his truck was Gloria Estefan. Ha! Those were some good times. I felt love for him, compassion for his wife, that she was watching him go through this and sadness that he was barely coherent enough to realize I was there. I felt the need to pray, to pray hard, for peace over him. To pray that God has forgiven him and he will lift him up into Heaven when the time is right.
Wes was with me this whole time and Wes solidified what love is this past weekend. Had he not been there I would have been an even bigger mess than I was. As I said at the beginning of this huge rant, love can be found even in deepest sadness and horrible times. The love that I felt for my husband this weekend as he was there to support me through this was unbelievable. I think it may have been a deeper kind of love than I have ever felt before. I have never in my life felt more connected to someone than I do with him. He is part of me. He is my rock, my partner in this crazy world, and my other half. I fell in love with him all over again this weekend as he held me while I sobbed all over him and covered his shirt in mascara, as he carried our bags in the airport, let me sleep on his shoulder on the plane, said we could get Starbucks as many times as I wanted, raced me on moving sidewalks to keep my spirits up. No matter what the circumstances, love is all you need.

Inspiration

The other day when doing my normal walk around the loop at lunch I had an uplifting experience via another couple. They have no idea that they brightened my day, but they sure did. So I decided even though it was chilly like 60 degrees! haha, that I would still walk down onto the beach and near the water. Something about hearing the waves crash and breathing in the salty air that totally makes my day. So there I was walking down there and I see this older couple walking down a beach access. I would say they were in their late 60's. Very tan and carrying only towels, which led me to believe they were locals because if they were tourists they would have either been wearing floral shorts or carrying numerous bags of unneeded crap. Anyway, there they were, laughing, in their own little world, flirting with one another. How awesome, I thought. Look at them. I made up a whole story for them. I have no idea if any of it is true, but their story is. Married since their 20's, two children, four grandchildren, a dog, a house at the beach, retired and loving life with one another. After watching them for a brief second the wife said to the husband, come on we can do it and she took off her shorts and ran for the water where she dove head first into the frigid surf. BRRR! I was cold just watching. He stood on the sand laughing and then quickly followed her lead and in he went. When he was going to get in the water he passed by me and I said, "what a beautiful day!" to him. "Indeed," he said. I thought to myself, what a beautiful day indeed.

I love seeing other couples in love, especially older couples. It give me hope, it makes me smile, it makes me want to be them. 40 years from now and still head over heels in love with my husband, with two kids, two grandkids, retired at the beach, and a dog.

The innocence of children

As most of you know I volunteer in our children's ministry called Grow Zone every weekend at church. I can honestly say that if I miss a Sunday I truly miss being there. The babies that I have in my room each week are just so innocent and love you unconditionally. There is nothing better than having a baby fall alseep in your arms. Anyway, this past Sunday was no different. I volunteered at the 10:30 service where I have been graciously upgraded to a "coach" which basically means that the girls I work with think that I am easy to approach and they've put me in charge of a few volunteers to help our program function better. I was quite honored to be asked to do this. Anyway, I volunteered and fulfilled my duties volunteering at 10:30 and just loved on all those babies. Then Wes met me to go to the 12:30 service. We were sitting behind a couple and their daughter who appeared to be maybe 5 or 6, yet very well behaved. She sat in between her parents with her pink purse, her Shamu stuffed animal and her package of bubble gum. She was quite attentive and quiet. I was impressed. Good parents I thought, their child is quiet in church, quite a feat! So as the service progressed and as I am an expectant mom, I of course was observing the little girl and her interactions with her parents, coming to the realization that some day that will be me, although my kid will probably be running up and down the aisle. Gosh , I hope not. So then we begin the offering and as I'm singing and observing I see the little girl get her purse out and reach inside. She then took out one quarter and placed it in the offering basket. She proceeded to beam as she looked at her Dad for confirmation. "That was nice." I believe he said to her. I about lost it, tears running down my cheeks. For that little girl to give a whole quarter had to be hard, but she did and she did it with such happiness. Aww, if I could only be 5 again where life was so easy and decisions came so quickly. It was such a great testament of good parenting and the instinctual innocence and kindness of children. After leaving church I heard a song by David Crowder and I believe it is entitled "What a Glorious Day" and what a glorious day yesterday was. I spent the rest of the day with Wes, not doing much, but with him nonetheless. That's always my favorite way to spend any day, with my husband.

Reflection

It's funny how just a day or two can change your outlook on life, on what's going on around you. I've spent my last couple of days in a self-induced, pitying stage, worrying about my life; what's going to happen to me when this baby comes, how my life is going to change, if I'm going to be able to deal, if my relationship with my husband is going to be changed, if I'm going to have enough time for me, etc. This morning I'm not thinking about me anymore! My eyes have been opened and I feel blessed. I feel fabulous actually. I'm not nauseous, I actually feel pretty and the sun is shining bright. Life is good. I'm sick of feeling bad for myself.

Now for those of you that diagnosed me with OCD just the other day, you can now go ahead and diagnose me with being slightly bi-polar as well. As obviously I have drastically changed my tune from the other day. If I've learned one thing being pregnant it's not to get used to how you're feeling, because sure enough the next day you will feel completely different, both emotionally and physically.

Anyway, at our small group on Monday night we got to talking about God, his will (or desire as some like to call it) for our life and how there is so much more to look forward to than anything this earthly world can give us. That's huge if you think about it! That we are forgiven. God's grace is amazing. That as long as we choose to have a relationship with God and try to walk with him that we will be given the chance to enter into the kingdom of Heaven. The happiness and joy that will pour out of those golden gates of heaven is more than I can imagine, but I believe often times we all get so caught up in this life and the pressure society puts on us that we fail to acknowledge that there are bigger and brighter things to look forward to.

I am reflecting on all of this because of a caller on the radio this morning on my way to work. There I was driving to work, listening to K-Love and basking in my I'm pregnant and my emotions are out of control stage when my eyes were opened to this fleeting life we're living here on earth and I was reminded of a story my friend told at small group. The lady calling in to K-Love was calling to ask for prayers for her daughter who is in her 30's and has cancer that has spread to the bone. Her daughter has 4 daughters of her own and today was one of the daughters 9th birthday. The Grandmother calling in was on her way to her daughter's house to celebrate the birthday with the family. She talked of how her daughter is fighting hard and is a tremendous example of a woman. It broke my heart to hear this. The first thing I thought was why?! Why, why, why, does this happen to people. But then I remembered the story my friend at small group told, who had an aunt that prayed for God's will and months later she was diagnosed with cancer. She said that she knew this was an answer to her prayer. How crazy does that sound? Sounds insane to me, but then I remembered that both of these ladies will have the opportunity to enter into the kingdom of heaven much sooner than I will and that is a beautiful thing. Although I don't understand everything that happens on this earth I do know that I can find comfort in knowing that there is a bigger place far more rewarding than I could imagine and that if I continue to show God my desire to walk with him I will be accepted there. So today after thinking of those women, I feel empowered. If they can do it, I surely can and I can be a lot less selfish in living this life.

Transition* (*train of thought in this blog may be scattered)

Anyone who says that pregnancy is bliss is lying! If you are not pregnant and planning on getting pregnant, do not let those crazy new mother's who are efficiently multi-tasking while telling you it is fool you. I have never in my life felt more displaced or out of sorts than the last 2 months. I do not feel like myself at all. It's bizarre actually. I mean to the outside world you cannot even tell I'm pregnant yet, if I didn't tell you, you wouldn't know, yet my body and soul are changing everyday, tremendously, and I'm not sure I like it.

Yesterday at church the message was on marriage. Some people might get squirrelly in their seats just thinking of discussing the topic. Maybe because their marriage isn't what they want it to be, or their marriage is falling apart, or their marriage is already over in their eyes. That's not the case for me. When Mike starts talking about marriage I get excited. I think of what I can use out of his message to make my relationship with Wes better. For the most part, we have a very well-rounded, normal marriage. We both do our parts in keeping things sane around our house, so when discussing marriage I am not the least bit uncomfortable. Yesterday, Mike said numerous things that ring true in our relationship, some of those being 1. I worry enough for the two of us, so Wes believes it's more efficient if he not worry at all! 2. I am definitely a responder, I respond to anything and everything that needs to be done, sometimes overly obsessively, and most importantly, 3. That marriage is a compromise and that if you don't both compromise and make efforts to serve God first and then one another that your relationship will probably not be fulfilled to it's potential. I took these things to heart and contemplated them. Yesterday our marriage was heavy on my heart all day until the end of the day when I had what I like to call a "pregnancy breakdown."

After hearing Mike's message and listening him talk about women being responders and men being "fixers" I began to freak out a bit. He said that this can sometimes lead to the problem of women responding to everything and men sitting back and watching. Let me admit, I WORRY OF THIS OFTEN. I worry that when we have a baby that I will be so responsive in making sure that everything is in order every day that I won't be able to relax and enjoy the baby growing up, that I won't be able to give Wes the pleasures of being a first time Dad and possibly not doing everything perfect.

On a different note, I worry about our relationship never being the same again. I had the eye-opening realization yesterday that after May it will never be just Wes and I ever again. We can't just pick up and do what we want when we want because we will have another little human to account for and although that makes my heart so happy in a way it also scares the living crap out of me. What if I can't deal? What if I'm just not a good Mom? Do you see the compulsive worriness that I described earlier coming out. Good thing Wes isn't a worrier or we'd have to be committed!! I mean seriously, parenthood is a huge responsibility and I don't think I fully realized what I was getting myself into when I stopped taking those little pills every night.

As if the emotional rollercoaster and overwhelming desire to cry over everything isn't enough to make you feel crazy, try being barraged with a multitude of physical changes at the same time! I mean I am hungry while I am eating! How is that possible?! I am hungry an hour after I've just eaten dinner, I am hungry when I wake up, I am hungry all the time! This would be fine if food looked appetizing to me at all these times, however most of the time I'd rather gag then indulge in any food, in less of course it's fried and then I'm down with it. All the things I used to love before being pregnant now gross me out. To name a few things, m&ms, broccolli, cottage cheese, egg and cheese sandwiches, turkey, etc. So now what doe a girl like this do to eat something healthy for lunch.? AH so annoying! Not to mention the problem with not being able to exercise as I did before being pregnant. I was used to running at least 3 or 4 times a week, playing softball and volleyball. I never imagined it would be this difficult to get over not being able to do these things. It almost brings me to tears just typing about it. I can now walk for excercise or use the eliptical. Both sound like loads of fun, right? Oh and I also can now only lift 30lbs all together on both arms. I'm used to lifting 60 or 70, so lifting 30 is a real joke. So I'm trying to make the best of it and walk the loop everyday at lunch, as well as do cardio at the gym after work so I don't end up looking like the Pillsbury Dough Woman.

So the whole volleyball thing leads me back to the whole marriage thing where I am paranoid for the change in our relationship when we welcome baby. So last night at volleyball there is a very cute youngish couple there with their two kids, a 5 year old and then a little boy who looked to be around 4 or 5 months. The Mom is taking care of the kids and faithfully supporting the Dad who is on the volleyball court. At first I thought,Aw, how cute. Then the mother (around 8 o'clock) tells the Dad ok we have to go now, it's getting late. And she packs up the kids and leaves the Dad there. Most of you I'm sure are like ok, big deal. For me this was disturbing. Wes and I have been playing volleyball together for 5 years. I do not want to give that up. That is some major character building that we indulge in every week when playing a sport together. I about burst into tears just seeing her leave. Ok, so I can still play volleyball after I deliver a baby, i can be different than that Mom, but at the time it seemed like she was saying to me, "Hey Kristen, welcome to reality, life as you know it is over!" For me this was tramautizing. I like hanging out with Wes, a lot. We like doing things together. I can't fathom having multiple nights a week where he's doing his thing and I'm doing mine. We just don't work that way. We do stuff together, not because we're forced, because we like it. And now I'm facing the, do I go to volleyball and just hang out because I want to hang out with Wes, or do I go do something else because it drives me crazy not to be able to play. Oh and one last thing on that note, I can't indulge in a Blue Moon either. I mean seriously If I'm going to sit on the sidelines all night the least I could do is have a beer.

I'm sure after reading this people may think that I am a couple of things, 1. selfish, 2. OCD, 3. a person suffering excessive worrying, 4. COMPLETELY CRAZY, but I don't care. I feel like that some days. I had to get it all out before I exploded.

To those mothers out there who are reading this and thinking, wow, she's really a selfish person You're probably right. For 22 years all I worried about was me and for 6 years all I've worried about is Wes and me. Now I'm about to throw another person to worry about into this mix, but this time, they're not able to fend for themselves. It's completely up to Wes and I to mold them into a good human being. I am excited about seeing our child in my arms and I'm sure all of this will fade by the time our baby comes, however, right now, this whole pregnancy thing is enough to drive me insane!

Wedding Song

This is our wedding song below. I believe it truly personifies the relationship that I have with my husband in many beautiful ways. I kept thinking about this song all day yesterday and today and how I just love the words in it. I had to post it.

Baby I've been searching like everybody else
Can't say nothing different about myself
Sometimes I'm an angel And sometimes I'm cruel
And when it comes to love I'm just another fool

Yes, I'll climb a mountain
I'm gonna swim the sea
There ain't no act of God girl
Could keep you safe from me
My arms are reaching out
Out across this canyon
I'm asking you to be my true companion True companion True companion

So don't you dare and try to walk away
I've got my heart set on our wedding day
I've got this vision of a girl in white
Made my decision that it's you allright
And when I take your hand I'll watch my heart set sail
I'll take my trembling fingers
And I'll lift up your veil
Then I'll take you home
And with wild abandon
Make love to you just like a true companion
You are my true companion I got a true companion True companion

When the years have done irreparable harm
I can see us walking slowly arm in arm
Just like the couple on the corner do '
Cause girl I will always be in love with you
And when I look in your eyes
I'll still see that spark
Until the shadows fall
Until the room grows dark
Then when I leave this Earth
I'll be with the angels standin'
I'll be out there waiting for my true companion
Just for my true companion True companion True companion