Guilt

As I sit here writing this I feel guilty. Matter of fact, for the past two weeks I can't remember a time I haven't felt guilty. Along with not telling me just how tired I would be as a new Mom, my friends also neglected to tell me how being a mother makes you feel guilty, about everything! First I started off feeling guilty for actually looking forward to going back to work. It wasn't that I wanted to leave Airlie at all because I didn't, it was just that I was craving some adult conversation, time to go to the bathroom when I pleased and actually being dressed in something other than pajamas or gym clothes and not having dried spit up on me. Staying at home for maternity leave felt very isolating to me. I am a very social person and not having anyone to talk to all day long got to me more than I thought it would. So when the time was up and it was time for me to go back to work I figured I'd be fine. I was ready. The first morning I drove Airlie to my Mom's house I felt extremely guilty when I left that I wasn't more upset. Granted it is my Mom that is watching Airlie and not some stranger, but I still thought I would feel worse leaving her. There the guilt began. The over analyzing, the questioning my bond with my child, the am I a bad Mom question and on and on began to run through my head. Day 2 however, I cried the whole way to work. I missed her that first day more than I could imagine and I felt like when I got back to pick her up she looked completely different than when I left her. I was convinced she looked bigger and was making more sounds etc. I was convinced that my Mom was probably doing a fine job of taking care of her, but doing everything different. I started thinking that since she is spending the majority of the time with my Mom she'll like her better than me, that she'll resent me for leaving her, that she might reject me when I go to feed her in the evenings. She was happy as can be upon pick up and playing nicely with Grandma on the bed. She did fight me a little bit when I fed her the first time, but after the first day or two she seemed to figure out that during the day she gets a bottle and at night she gets the Mommy. She is a smart cookie. As the week went by I got more accustomed to coming to work and I didn't cry again. I did however feel guilty. I felt guilty that I wanted to come back to work that I wasn't the girl who wanted to have 12 kids and be barefoot and pregnant for the rest of my life that given the choice of staying home or going back to work I would have picked going back to work. Wow, I thought, I suck. I must not love my child enough. After being at work for two full weeks I now realize that I don't suck I just like to be outside the house, dressed nice, fulfilling a purpose and challenging my brain with the work that I do. My optimal set up would be to work part time, but I don't have that option right now and I trust that God has me right where he wants me for the time being. Now, back to the guilt. Last night I came to the conclusion that I might be a little nuts. After speaking out loud all the things I feel guilty about to my husband I found myself thinking, wow, you are so irrational, Kristen! Let me elaborate: I feel guilty every morning after I feed Airlie and I have to put her down to get ready for work. In the morning after her first feeding is when she is most pleasant. She is smiling and talking and just loving life. This was my favorite time of day when I was home for maternity leave. Now, I have multiple places where she hangs out while I get ready and she likes all of them, but I still feel bad that I'm not having one on one time with her and I'm forced to get ready and rush out the door to work. First she lays in her crib watching her mobile as I do my hair and get my make up on in the bathroom close to her room. While I am in there I sing to her and talk to her asking her about her day and telling her that we are getting ready to go to Gram's. Then she usually moves to either the couch on her back or her swing while I get my clothes together for the gym, feed the dogs etc. While she's in the swing I call her name while I'm walking through the living room and her face lights up in a smile. I believe she is now not only recognizing my voice, but also her name and this is fun. Then after this I sometimes place her in her bouncy seat on the kitchen table as I make something for lunch or clean up the kitchen from the previous night if need be. All the while she is very content, but all the while I feel guilty that I am not having one on one time for her. I then put her in the car to go to Gram's for the day. She loves the carseat. We listen to K-Love, baby Einstein, and sometimes Jimmy Buffett in the morning or I just sing to her on the way, but I feel guilty that she is in that seat in the back of the car by herself. When I get home at night I often put her in that same seat as we get some dinner together and then I think should I wait to cook until after her bedtime, am I damaging her by not playing with her on the floor because I'm starving and want to eat dinner? I doubt it, but I still think it. As I type this I am wondering if people who read this might think that I'm nuts. I might just be. You see having a child makes you see the world in a different light. You have this sense of protection about you, this sense of what can I do to make sure nothing in this world harms my child, what can I do to make sure that they are always happy, always cared for, that they always know you are there for them and that they are loved. It is an amazingly intense feeling. I believe Airlie knows all these things. Last night after talking to Wes I prayed to God for wisdom and guidance and that He help me be a better mother and a better wife. I prayed that He help me to not worry so much if the kitchen is clean or the laundry is folded or the garage organized. I prayed that he let me soak in every single minute of my baby girl's life because it is flying by faster than I want it to. Although I was excited about going back to work, in retrospect, I wish I would have done a better job at saving before we decided to have a baby, I wish that we had enough money for me to stay home. I wish for those days where I never got out of my pajamas and I spent all day reading to Airlie, changing millions of diapers and washing millions of mini clothes. I do however trust that God has a plan for us and that for now this is where I'm supposed to be and that He will help me to be the best Mom that I can be. In the meantime I'm going to help myself and slow down and take it all in one sweet day at a time.